Aging Untold experts say people often make these promises in emotional moments. O'Rourke said families usually promise before they talk through what caregiving could involve. "They haven't looked at the reality and talked about the reality at first," she said.
The questions get practical fast. Can the family afford the care? What if the care takes heavy lifting and the caregiver can't do it?
O'Rourke described a man with significant memory impairment who told his daughter not to put him in "one of those places." Over time, they moved him into a memory facility. He became "the mayor," the most popular guy there. He was happy, and his daughter was blown away. O'Rourke said she has used that story with other families.
Gerontologist "Sam" Cradduck said most family members aren't trained to be caregivers. The training usually comes from parenting children. Translating that to an adult means dealing with the history of the relationship, the way a disease progresses, and the difference between changing an adult and changing someone much smaller.
So a promise made out of love can run straight into a job nobody trained for.
"What their needs were at one point might change," O'Rourke said, "and so you have to change with how they change."